Some Dutch expressions are truly bizarre, plain silly or make no sense at all, to me at least. They mostly have to do with animals, the weather, or just, I don’t know, weird Dutch imagination. Things that even I, as a Dutch person, cannot begin to comprehend, let alone explain. Others are so obvious that they make you wonder how they even got started.

So how about this for stating something very direct and obvious: Als het regent in september, valt Kerstmis in december- If it rains in September, Christmas will be in December. I think they’re hitting the nail on the head.

Monkeys

We all know the expression having something up your sleeve. The Dutch have an expression that says: Nu komt de aap uit de mouw. The literal translation is: Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve. Is that the thing that the Brits had up their sleeve all along?

More crazy stuff with monkeys.

Apekool - monkey cabbage. Yes, really. It means what it is, pure nonsense!

Broodje aap verhaal - monkey sandwich story. A story that sounds credible but is not at all. In de aap gelogeerd - stayed (lodged) in the monkey. It means to be in a fine pickle, or, more crudely, to be screwed.

Here’s one I haven’t heard in a long time, but apparently it is still out there: Al draagt een aap een gouden ring, het is en blijft een lelijk ding - even though a monkey wears a gold ring, it is and will still be an ugly thing (meaning the monkey). Funny how this one rhymes in Dutch as well as in English.

Zich een aap lachen - laugh yourself a monkey. Beyond me how that could ever happen.

Voor aap staan - look like a monkey, which is apparently not a good thing.

Je een aap schrikken - startle yourself a monkey. There’s also one like that that says Je een hoedje schrikken - startle yourself a little hat. Both mean that you got a scare. People were easily scared in the old days, it seems. And monkeys and hats apparently did the trick.

Okay, enough monkey business. Some other expressions now.

Contemporary expressions

This strange one I even use at times: helaas, pindakaas. It literally says, unfortunately, peanut butter. The only thing that seems to make sense, is that it rhymes. It’s just another way of saying, too bad.

Another contemporary one is: Zeg maar nee, dan krijg je er twee - just say no, and you will get two. It’s a legendary slogan from a Bichoc cookie commercial. And it’s apparently gone viral for a while.

Dat klopt - that knocks. Knock, knock, who’s there? Meaning that’s right

André van Duin, a Dutch comedian, coined the phrase: Effe wachten, pizza! - Wait a minute, pizza! in one of his shows. It has no meaning whatsoever, but was made

hilarious by the way he brought it. Just as Rowan Atkinson can make you laugh by the way he pronounces words. “Bob” comes to mind.

Daar lusten de honden geen brood van - the dogs don’t like bread out of that. Something that is really bad, unacceptable.

Het leven is een pijp kaneel, iedereen zuigt eraan en krijgt zijn deel - life is a cinnamon candy stick, everyone sucks on it and gets their share. Meaning none of us escapes what life has in store for them. My husband used to say: iedereen zuigt eraan en krijgt niet veel - everyone sucks on it and no one gets a lot.

I’m Dutch, and I honestly have never heard of some of the examples I’ve given you. But that doesn’t matter very much… I just wanted to say, some of your expressions don’t make any sense in Dutch either, for example: I just can’t wrap my head around it. If you translate that, well, in Dutch it just doesn’t make sense… “Je hoofd eromheen slaan”?! Just to prove a point, here’s a Dutch equivalent that is equally elusive: daar kan ik geen chocola van maken - I cannot make chocolate out of that.

That is my sentiment exactly about some of the above expressions.